am I aimless ?

                                                                         

During tea time my mom and I had a talk and as usual the  " whole entrance cum what the hell do I plan on doing forward in life "  talk comes infront.

And I tried to dodge the questions as fast as possible and have managed to come upstairs to avoid this confrontation. 

But today her words kind of made me upset. 

Kerala state board results were declared and my aunt was busy messaging everyone about how my cosuin has scored a full A plus ( it's a guaranteed grade when your in state syllabus , the real question is how much you git out of 1200 ) whatever about that,  I quickly wrote out a congratulatory message and forgot about the whole thing . 

But my mother seems to have not. 

She's quite disappointed with my 12th results with cbse funking up with the whole " moderation " concept and I remeber those days to be very very dark.

I really felt like throwing away the landlines and shutting myself off..

Anyways back to present story 

My mother was elaborating to me how she has a perfect plan haead on what to do and how after 12th She has joined for a crash course and is writing the exams that she wants to blah blah 

And then she asks me , " what are you even doing ? , your model exam results are low enough as it is and your just going and writing all the exams with no possible goals like an aimless idiot . Do u have no plan for a future ahead ? " 

And thise questions did hit me hard...what I've been doing is exactly that. I've given applications for many exams , some of which I don't have any intrest in going to but just as some backup plan. 

And then there are exams which I really am prepping for. 

But is this aimless approach good ? 

To be honest this is a sort of early comforting mechanism , like if I don't keep high hopes in one certain exam then I won't be sad if I don't get in mode. 

But how am I supposed to explain that to my mother. 

I actually do have a order of selection regarding my colleges and courses and I also have a plan ahead..but I don't just feel like revealing it and I'm actually scared if I would even get to complete all those.. 

I'm tired of people rubbing it in my face that I'm a fallen case. 

You  know how you spring really uo and boom your there in the ground and the effect of the fall has hurt you sooo bad and now you have to climb again to the top. That's what happening in my case. 

For now I climbing..I stayed there in rock bottom for a while and then slowly started climbing up . Right now I'm nowhere near the top but I'm not at a point where I can give up or anything..so I'm just focusing on what's ahead and just living day to day. 

There was a book I red during April...it was Sarah j mass 's  " house kf earth and blood " , it was a story about some half angel and other type creatures and the protagonist was a half human half angel girl. I wasn't much impressed by the book but there's this thing they all do in it when they r of age called the " drop " , they go and drop very very down and then the have to shoot right back up so that they get all their powers or something , this probably makes no sense when I'm typing but maybe Google this up ?? 

Yeah so everyone thought Bryce would die if she made the drop , but when she made the drop she went down and down and down ans then she had like a 10 sec timer to climb back up or else she dies and she does climb back up. 

( my description is lame..but when I was reading it that part was super cool ) 

Anyways this is sort of our drop the human ver of it so let's just hope I reach the top . 

( I'm just trying to look on the brighter side kf things or else I'll get anxious  , I'm still quite upset about the whole being aimless talk I got , but you've git to move on )