rainy days

 

today in medicine wards i tried taking BP. the last time i took someones BP manually was during physio practical class. so ive lost touch in how to do it. so i thought i should practise a bit but then people kept interupting me today and kept trying to teach me how to do it. me being a snob prefer myself to just learn things in my way. so theyre untimely intervention was not accepted with much grace. my initial idea was to try to take thier BP , because ive forgotten i know im rusty with my skills. i knew im not going to get it. so the plan was to check how far i remember then study up on the deficient parts and then come back and try it again. but then the same thing and thought camee to me again. 

at times i sorta feel very unpreparaed or like not doing the work well sorta. i know its me being harsh on myself. tbh i wont even be that bad. but then the fact that im not reaching there , or the fact that i cannot win seems to be affecting me a lot more than i care to accept. i thought i was over all of this after college started and i somewhat got back into a normal pace. but then ive been reminding myself of the low times in life. and tbh im scared of going back to that. id do anything to not be there. so everytime theres a mistake or a deficinecy i kinda feel like im going back to that state where i was in during class 11. and that scares. so i become extra harsh on myself ending up stressing myself out a lot. i cried like anything last night because of all the overhwelming and tbh even writing this makes me quite ad enough that i have tears rolling down. i really needed to talk yesterday but then i honestly didnt know who to talk to..i texted neeraja and she was online so she told me it happens. the world is at an unbelievable pace and everything seems compeititve at times. its better to focus on myself. how far along have i come. time and again ive told myself theres no point comparing myself to others. but sometimes i end up doing that. yesterday was not particularly fun because of other things too. i think its just ive been pushing myself too hard. i need to learn to breathe and take a chill pill. and the last thing i wanted today was people to make me feel inferior and thats exactly what happened today. so i dont know how to react. i wanted to spill all of this here to put some ease to my mind. 

its ok le , there are days when its hard. i know it seems particularly hard but you know that as much as you criticize or judge yourself you do love yourself that much. you know your capable of things and that even if it takes a bit of time youll master the needed skills. i know sometimes the people around u may intentionally or unintetionally end up hurting you but its ok. they might just not know whats going on with u and it might be because of that. calm down. tkae a deep breathe , do a few things that you like and youll eventuallly end up feeling much better. lets try to spend the day without thinking much and just going with the flow. its ok. trust me. you can expire that breathe youve been holding.