blep

 

ahh i am tired. today marks the official end of obg morning posings , from tmr onwards we will be having evening classes. 

i got a call from my dad , it was a bit sad one because he was telling me that one of my aunts recently went for a checkup and found out she was sick. 

tbh im writing today because i just realised , throught from 8th grade ive been worrying about doing well in studies , going to aakash , doing well there was something my mother expected considering how much they had to pay to put me through it. and then , came the biggest downfall the brilliant pala test and the horrifying months in which i did not get in in the st exam and went again during december and joined my own personal hell where i was stripped of my mental peace , then came an unexpected lockdown and quite a bad slump and finally life showed some light once college was decided and people stopped asking questions. but then college in itself was not easy , nor is paying the hefty fees , even now my dad wants to quit and comebac but he has to stay and work because of my college fee which they couldve avoided had i just studied a bit more or joined a different course. and then he calls me everyday telling me that we need to save up to secure your fees because u never know what happens blah blah. he overthinks ig , but yeah i just realised the sad fact that life has gotten real , earlier my problems revolved around myself only , my troubles my fallbacks etc but now that youve grown up , people expect a minimum amount of responsibility from your side too , they look to you for advice , they come to you to say the difficult things. another downside if u ask be on being the eldest is when u have the talk with your parents. what is the talk ? , the talk is a protocol to be done if something happens to either wheere i have to take charge , i still remmeber the heartbreaking conversation i had with my grnadfather last year. it is difficult to listen to it but at the same time someone must and you are someone. life has come to a point where my worries though many often gets sidelined by other peoples worries too. and i wish i wasnt so stressed. 

sometimes you are so hard on yourself , it really doesnt have to be that way. its ok to rest and its ok if u did not get what u want its all part of life. dont compare yourself, dont feel like you arent enough , dont listen to anyone elses hurtful words regardless of who they are. just dont. 

listen to yourself and tell yourself to tell that its fine , this is life and we will get past it. dont count on your shortcomings and dont ignore your strengths. 

you might have people you are quite close to , being close to them means being vulnerable and part of it is getting hurt by their words. its fine , but if u dont like it , you neednt stay to listen to it. tkae ur time and make your decisions. 

shit happens , fuck it 

and if your days are too hard , its ok , i your days are too hard you are allowed to believe in what you may.