Am I hungry or sad ??

 

       It’s been a long time since I published an entry in here. I start a few but then just end up leaving them as drafts. 

Well I do have a lot to update from the last time I wrote an entry. 

Was the last time I write in 2025 ?? So this is our first. 2026 entry eh ..

Damn 2026 ..I started this in 2018 as part of my computer project and over the years it’s turning into an online diary of mine. Hidden yet out in the open ig

Anyways onto the tea 

I now have a hobby , a new one at that. I’m into crocheting these days , the algorithm had been feeding the idea into my mind and I wanted to make something handmade for valentines so I had to learn so I started my basic stitches class from yt in January and as able to make a cute little rose for rose day.

Then we had the case presentation competition which happened in Chennai , it was my first time going to Chennai , while we didn’t win anything I actually en joyed the trip. Obviously my idea of enjoyment might look a bit like sitting silently in the side but I had a fun time seeing new places and travelling. 

After coming back things weren’t so great though , Manav and I were fighting for 3 days over this which wasn’t very nice. I’m just glad the fight ended. Currently I was trying to crochet a snowflake but failed and then tried making a different type of scrunchie which also I failed after which I was like whatever and shoved it all aside to come back to my of hobby , updating this blog. While I was all about weight loss in my pervious entries all that has happened is weight gain, I’m a whooping 71kg now which means I need to start outing in work before the fragile spine starts acting up. 

My first posting was OBG and turns out I know have a love hate relationship with the hod because she shares my moms name , rn I’m in ENT posting and it’s about to finish , pretty uneventful posting tbh. 

Other than that I really don’t have a lot to update on my personal life. Honestly I had a lot of thoughts but then procrastination takes everything away.

I saw that Lima is writing a fanfic based on gen shin imoact on AO3 which sort a made me jealous not a lot like a tiny but cuz what the fuck am I doing ? While I do love my recent crochet hobby it is very geriatric In nature. Gotta do some young people stuff 

I don’t know I’m in this word cycle these days where I just keep doing everything else except opening a book to read. I don’t know I’m just scared ? Dunno 

The whole. 4th year pressure has got me just avoiding the whole thing altogether. Which is honestly a very bad idea I must confess. I mean if I sit I can but then that’s the problem I’m not sitting down and my min dis nit calm. My mind is always buzzing with something or the other. On top of that Manav told that he doesn’t wanna do usmle anymore. I mean it’s good that he has an idea in life what to do but I sorta had to convince my parents to let me write step 1 , convince myself to wrote step1 when I really didn’t have any abroad plans in y pg and now that I set my mind to that even though I did not seriously start prep the sudden nah I ain’t doing it made me feeling then why the hell did I have to think so much abou it. A lot of time was spent contemplating on all that for all of it to go down the drain and now I have dad asking me when I wanna write step 1. Now what do I say ? I only wanted to write it cuz the buy I liked wanted to and that now he doesn’t so I don’t ? Sounds absolute dumb , because it is. But it did get me thinking on what actually I do I want to do in life. People keep telling me my random ideas are wayyyy to expensive and well I haven’t yet decided what to choose or where t.o do it from. It’s been about 3 years into clinical postings and 4 years of med school but I haven’t really found out what my “calling” is. Initially I wanted to go into surgery but then considering my health and spine it doesn’t really sound like a good idea but then the medicine thing is a bit meh. Is there something in between ?? God knows 

My mind keeps buzzing with so many random ass thoughts and I have no answers to it and my biggest it HTN are is that research project candida , it is behind me haunting like a ghost , the thought of it makes me uneasy and sweaty because what am I nit finishing it ? What is stopping me ? This shouldn’t be so hard I thought about it so much that I manifested a candidate infection for myself and had to get treated. It’s that bad. I really hope I find peace regarding that. Do I have to like get a bash iPad or something for that ? I wonder,

Well tbh I haven’t grown Jo much sit.ll the same person with bigger responsibilities who has no clue how to manage all of this and is in the verge of a crash out and is hiding it by ignoring the whole thing putting on earphones and walking around in circles. 

I miss home , I think I should go this weekend. After a while the hostel starts feeling so puffy.

I don’t know I’m I’m just typing a lot of things randomly. It’s knits and pieces of figments if my thoughts all randomly with no alignment. Exactly how it is is side my mind rn ig.