River Flows In You

Unlike my usual stories or poems...I want to talk about one of my favorite piano pieces.."River Flows In You " ..

Although being in a music student..I never encountered this beautiful masterpiece during my time at the guitar class...it was never there..

My first ever enciunter with this piece was in Piano Tiles..

Yea...I loved this song so much that I played it again and again...

My love for this piece initially was only because it sounded nice...and probably because sungha jung did a cover on it  ! 

Most of my music knowledge wasn't from my guitar class..but instead from piano tiles and kdramas..it's odd , that I notice a lot of things in the background of the story rather than the story..like I do focus on the drama...but unlike most people who think of it as a waste of time and that it's only about useless romantic getaways and impossible stories in real life..

People often don't even see the essence of the story , the onoy focus I on the shiny male lead and their romance ...

 But honestly if you notice more..there is more to the dramas than what meets the eye..

And like that for this piece too...

Its calming ... Because during life's never ending struggles and my mom's never ending chant on how she is the sole person who made it possible for me to end up wherever I am..( no offence...I truly belive she has credit..but ...it wasn't entirely her work..right ?? ) And my dad's voice calls...

God..I don't know who my sister connects with the family so well and I am no less than a mechanical robot infront of other people...

I don't think I've ever had the sweet talks that my dad and sis have...with me being the oldest daughter's it's always about bills and files and all the other shitty nonsense that I have gotten tired of over the years...

Part of my reasons to accept an offer to a boarding school was so that I can escape this tyranny..

I was tired ... Its not so nice when the other child is pampered so much and you are expected to do all the responsible stuff ...

And due to covid ..thankfully and sadly I'm home..

Thankfully because I wished to be home..to be in my room..

To be away from the nasty neighbours in my hostel room..

And all that noise !!! 

But on coming home ..I almost forgot how hectic things were...

You have this whole list of things to do in a day....

Atleast a plus point..next time I go back to school..I won't be saying I wish I was home anywhere in the near future..

I don't hate my house...

I love it and the people too..

But I want to just be free from all this stuff...

Like..people expect me to grow up fast..

You have to act and speak like an adult at the mere age of 15-16 ...

I hate the word people use to refer me..it's "mature "..

Over the inital years i was proud of it..I was unlike all the other kids I thought...but thinking again..

I missed out so much in life..

I'm always trying to grow up...or atleast forced to do so...

Dad being abroad and mom the one to run the house it became a necessity..and so went my time of fun...

In the midst of all this when you just want to cancel everything out ..

Just put on my earphones and this piece...

Its everything...each high and low of the music expressing so much emotions...

Something which cannot be conveyed through words but only felt..

I have many songs that I connect too...but mostly it's because of its lyrics...

But yiruma's river flows in you , doesn't have words ..yet , each note of the song hits me to the very core...

Its happiness and sorrow ..

A feeling of happiness ...

Its sooo soothing.

This is nothing related to the piece ...

But I lost confidence...like..there was a me who was capable of everything...somehow who finally broke that shell and came out and then suddenly throwing me out into the wild has made me creep back into the shell...

And now it's as if I'm locked in that shell..unable to get out ...

For someone so optimistic..I feel scared and unsure and so much negativity ...

In the end...I'm cravinf for support..

Someone to give me a helping hand..

Someone who can help me break this shell where I am imprisoned inside...

The only place where I be me..the truly emphathetic and filled with emotions kind if person is when I wrote my blogs..

Its a reflection of me..though the sad parts are a reflection of my sad days where I need to release all the stress to get charged..

But this is a place where I can truly be me , without the judgemental eyes of human beings all around scanning through me ...

I'm oretty sure my family would be baffled if they ever found this blog...I'm quite sure even about the questions of what they would ask..

But what I wish is..

Instead of all that...if they stop looking at why I wrote it and just admire the beauty of my poems..or how it expresses what it's theme is..I woukdve been happier...though..I'm not sure what their reaction would be..

But I'm quite sure that it wouldn't be appetisable to me..

For writing..I belive wouldn't be a cherished talent ..atleast not in my area...

And hence this safe haven of mine is to be kept like this...

I wonder how everyone is doing soo good in life while I'm always trailing behind....

For others things are so easily obtained and yet they do not want it..

While for me ..everyhting was hard..and I cherish it..

Now too things are a bit hard...

But unlike my usual self who is supportive to me ..

Even I am at loss of words on how I am these days or what went wrong..or where can I start to get things right...

Yes I don't have any life and death sequence over here.. 

But fighting off demons and Rahim's r more easier than fighting of general troubkes in life whatvere it may be..

Bht it does make us grow..

It makes us realise and all that..

But still...you coukd say I'm at a stage of co fusion these days..

And in utter need fkr a mentor..or maybe a good friend..someone who would help me with my problems rather than siding with me and telling it's all the same for everyone...

I would love if somone is thrown from the sky by heavens tk gelp me out..

It would be their biggest gift for me..

I feel like I really need a mentor or someone to support me through this phase...

Someone to remind me that I once came out of that shell..and although I'm locked out I can find a way out..

Someone who instead of saying I'm locked in too , or giving me a key to the lock would actually soothe me and help me in finding my own way..yet stand by me when I loose my path and give direction...

Not the ugly teacher who comments "hard luck " on how things are with me..

Though nobody ever reads this...

If you ever do...pls do put me a comment and tell me what you think about this strange phase of life I'm going through...