trash can of emotions

 

   

                                                                                        

on the 1st novembere , mere hours before the deadline of the common wealth story competition i got my neet 2021 resullts 

i gave up on writing for the common wealth , as i had wasted a month of mine in figuring out the perfect story to make ot go big and in between by repeaters classes for NEET 

why have i joined even before i got the result ? was it my choice ? i wont answer any of these as those decisions werent made by me 

for how could i answer something which i havent decided of 

and at 7 o clock i got the message on my email , a copy of my score card a total mark of 385 out of 720 with an all india rank of 211984 

the nuber 211984 kept reverbrating through my head as i had to convey this message to my mother 

as expected she had neither congratulated me , nor comforted me 

and only talked about how bobbys sirs child has recieved a mark of 528 and how blah blah 

i dont remeebr as i didnt bother to listen to whatever it was 

i was content with what i got. never have i been so calm with my results 

because i value that mark , it is a culmination of many sleepless nights , yawning mornings and a broken soul 

because that was what i had exchanged for studying for the exam 

now any judgy person would say , you shouldve thought about this before you went into all this 

for those people : please , nobody knows how deep the sea is unless they drown in it 

a lifetime of hardwork and merely human days eventually ended with my results which i am largely content with but has turned into some form of mockery for my family 

why am i writing this sob story ? because im proud of what i got and i desperately need to tell somewhere that this may not be the highest mark out there . but even this must be respected and not mocked 

during dinner i overheard my mothr telling my sister to focus more on studies for it will only benefit the coaching institue if she slacks off like me and ends up having no choice but to repeat . 

those words felt like sharp glasses cutting through my veins , i was angry and i did say my piece on it 

and that is the only moment which has prompted me into writing this however this may be viewed 

the word slacking does not fit into someone who studied regularly for 8-10 hours a day . 

for someone who has lost touch so much with socialising that its akward to talk to friends i knew 

for someone whose soul broke throughout the process of studying for an examination. 

now you would ask me ?..your just talking about yourself..but no, this is basically an outline of the story of every entrance aspirants. 

everyone is just pressured until their soul gets broken into pieces making them merely a human in sight but someone dead inside his own mind . 

maybe thats why people are waiting to move abroad , somewhere far away from all this cruel comparison and wretched thinking 

everyone wants a fresh breathe of mind and a non judgemental society where everyone can be themselves and live lively 

i feel a bit better after writing this , it seems like i have taken a big burden away from my shoulders. 

i hate comparison , it has broken me as a person in all forms that it could and i am definetly done with my mother 

the least im asking for is to comfort me but all i ever getting is a response expecting me to become a grown up. 

okay so why am i so emotional over such a petty thing ?? .. im not even crying over the marks it just on rude comments.

but remeber the one who said the words often forget but the ones who heard it often remmeber it for the rest of their lives . infact sometimes it breaks them up so much that they are triggered whever something close to this happens 

a vivid memory from my 4th grade still stays fresh on my mind , a fresh wound opened up each time my mother is dissapointed on me 

it was our schools cca competitions..its one of those school competition to simply say 

it was my 2nd year in bhavans , and i had participated for english recitation 

i remember my poem was ronald dalhs little red riding hood and i had practised it over a hundred times 

on the day of the competition , my mother accompanied me to support me ,

i got on the stage and started reciting , i reached halfway when i forgot my lines. 

i couldnt remember them because i had stage fright and it took over me 

i had to say thank you and end my poem off 

as we went back hom my mother was only dissapointed in me 

she could only talk about how bad i did there 

i sometimes wonder..if she had comforted me then , would i have become a more comfident person 

this incident only made my stage fright increase 

and the overall pressure into growing up soon changed me into an introverted quite child or as the people say a " reserved child " 

this story still lives frsh in my mind and haunt me probably for the rest of my life and probably all the other moments in life where i have been crumpled into mere pieces. 

it took my a lot of time to gain that confidence i needed 

i could finally get onto a stage and say something so well during my 10th grade , by tha time writing was an integral part in my life and it had changed me so much 

though i always hesitate to speak through my mouth , im always me whenever i write because there isnt a filter between my mind and my hands 

my hands are writingwhat my brain is thinking and this process made me understand who i am , what are my strengths , what my weaknesses are and how i should overcome them 

im done with all this , honestly 

the hostel expeinece has left me so scarred ... sometimes im still terrified thinking one day ill have to go back to that place..

a hautning memory of that place and how it changed me for the worst would also stay in my heart 

my point is , csnt people just encourge you when life is tough 

why do we always need to live in a place of constant competition 

i do not desire to compete with anyone 

all i wish is to get my oldself back with new life lessons learnt 

2020 was hard for me..im just happy i survived...because there couldve ben worse 

yes , i never got to live that moment where i studied 16 hours a day , but fuck it ! 

it doesnt matter to me , infact thats what matters the least to me nowadays 

that 16 hour calculation which used to haunt my earsa have finally left me 

there is a certain peace you get after these two years. 

but happiness ? i have yet to feel that emotion 

with this perhaps i have comforted myself today 

and i feel optimstic for a better tmr as i have always done but it isnt soon until i come up in this blog again writing out what my mind is saying 

this is just one day more in this meaningless life and broken soul 

perhaps i might find something fun for me in the coming days 

until then ill try to live with whatever i have 

and ill probably listen to these words of mockery and comparison again and again 

but im thankful i know that its all shit which doesnt need to be heard . 

sometimes i wonder of the kid which coudlve been if people wouldve bothered to comfort rather than comment when it comes to stuff like this 

maybe some people couldve lived today and maybe some wouldnt have left their dreams for something else . 

nomatter how much indians are going to evolve unles and until they decide to get rid of this wretched habit of comparison , no youth would ever be able to breathe in peace and people would forver be living with a masked face hiding themselves . 

there goes another day ... i have about 10 more months for the repeater course to finish 

and perhaps even that day comparison would be there 

for it will be since the moent we are bron to the moment when we breathe our last 

for it is that embedded into our society and is murdering people silently even more deadlier than the so called tobacco and smoke 

thats it . i wont be giving this for the commonwealth, i dont want them to puke on this nonsesne 

but i will leave it in this blog just for my piece of mind . 

ignore the typos cuz im in a bad mood and you are educated enough to guess what i meant.