a filament perhaps we all are ?

   

 

                                                                              

 

It was raining , a cup of tea and id need nothing more. that would be the coziest feeling. 

wanted to update my blog after i saw that it was raining but dont really have like a topic to write about or anything. 

the entire plan last night was to sleep early because i have a tendency to fall asleep during exam if not given ample rest. but my mind just had to wander around. its that moment when there is sleep in your eyes. like very seriously but your reticular activating system is having a party over there. my mind was literally shattered across thinking on various different things and out of nowhere instead of actually sleeping i started off with a monologue , like the one that lady had in barbie. 

so im gonna type out what my monologue was or what i remember off it just to fill the pages and so that i can sort of skip studying saying physio exam just got over. 

my monologue started probably cuz neha was fixing the night lamp and a i rememebr was asking her to put it away from my eyes cuz i hate it light on eyes when im sleeping. probably thats the point when my thoughts started trailing off and i realised how i actually have no clue when nehas  , my roomates , bday is or basically anything personal. all i know is it has passed because i remember tyoing happy birthday neha in the class group. yeah but like i actually havent even put the slightest effort to ask her about it. or wouldve purposefully closed the convo if she shared something personal. id probably hear it and store it at some corner of my brain but i wouldnt be sharing kmy side of the openeing part . wouldnt bothering doing it. and why ? , 

see i am pissed off with krishik about the room thing but i can understand her side too. its jus the whole two weeks was enough stressful for me to breakout into a hive which is actually peak stress. and i hated how vulnerbale all that shit made me out of nowhere. but despite all of that what i hated the most was that i missed her. you cant not get used to people overnight. despite how much of a bitch they have been to you , you end up missing them badly. you findyourself thinking on sunday mornings whether they had breakfast because you know they sleep in and nobody wouldve gotten breakfast for them. or when you hear them sniffling in class and realise they got a cold and that their sick. i really would love to not care and notice all this but a small part of me ends up beinf concerned and all this unwanted concern is garbage . we all know that . all it does it occupy space in your brain when it could be filled with something much more usefull than this. 

even when im listening to songs , i end up landing on songs recommended by her and ones ive end up liking. or how she was named after the playback singer nithyashree from the film jeans. 

its kinda weird would be how id describe it . and to be honest i wouldnt want to remember all of this. 

her birthdays on november. what am i supposed to do just forget it ? would it be weird if i wished? god knows. and birthdays howver less spoken off are good. the amount of birthdays i remeber which is of no use for me is just sed. 

i guess what sleepy lakshmi was trying to say was that its not easy. getting over people regardless of who they were for you or how deep your connection with them. it takes time and it takes patience and also a good time until you want associate soemone else with that title. 

kinda makes me scared. not liking everyone is gonna be on good terms or not everyone is gonna stay there forever , at some point it is necessary to leave people and i find myself wondering where would i dump all tha emotional garbage ? . 

i guess the point is that none of it is garbage and that you cant throw any of it out. ive tried i still remember andrew and jasons bdays and i find myself wishing them on those days too. so you definelty dont forget all of it. but then you learn to out not much thought to all those things. a part of what makes you you is the people you come across in life. consciously or unsonsciously we end up picking up their habits. 

like you end up seeing a shadow of their chatting style when you write. you see yourself scrunching your curls up like they used to do. you end u putting garlic and onions whiel fryign fish because it makes it more tastier because you heard mom mentioning it. oryou remind yourself to dance happily while doing so because thats what andrew does and you end up becoming a combination of a filament of everyone you me tin your life. 

im pretty sure i read a quote aogn those lines in instagram and started blabbering all this sleep. 

so yeah , thats pretty much it i believe. 

yeah that was prettu much my monologue.