Judgmental Mirror

 

                                                                                        

I'm contemplating life today because lately ive been feeling as though ive been stuck in my own fantasical stagnant pool. fantasical in the aspect that i have been avoiding a lot of my duties. stagnant in the sense that i have merely been existing the past week without moving an inch or so anywhere. 

i am in confusion. should i be prepping up for something ? if then , for what ?. i had plans on speaking. finally coming back to putting a start to thinks. but like any scooter that has been parked ofr too long my engine too is cold and within me has took root a sense of  " what use is this all after all ? ". 

esther did i good presentation in class today. her voice modulations were on point. i found myself liking the way she delivered the class at the same time i can hear my mind ask " why bother to do all this in the morning ?" i found myself feeling fatigued even with the idea of doing so. but if i was planning to speak too i wouldve done the same. but my mind is now debating with me as to what it gives me ? 

and i am yet to find answers to these questions that a part of myself put forwards me.. 

lately all ive been feeling is lethargic. the whole postings ka drama and a bunchload of theory class and mt after class rendevouz has made me shit tired to the point of exhaustion. i cant seem to anything once i get back to hostel other than lying down with a hot bag and scrolling through reels like a hollow soul. somehow manage to eat the mess food , call up home. sometimes theyll be busy so no one would attend the call. after which i decide to just fall asleep that too watching reels. 

is reels that intresting ? no. it most definelt isnt. but what it gives you is a ticket to put your brain off as you fal into that endless dark loop. 

i only came back last wednesday but i already wanna go home. i need solace from this very loud and at times very silent mind of mine. i dont seem to understand. am i physically sick ? is it mental exhuation or just laziness ???

my back pain has limited and slowed down life quite much. i feel sad about it. i wouldnt admit but im terrifed after it came back. sometimes it takes a good amount of effort just  into convincing myself that im fine and that ill manage it whatever comes may. the thought of having things as horrible as last july makes me shiver in fear. i do not want that and hence i go slow. 

The hardest part of this is myself who is unwilling to take care of myself. at times you get frustrated with yourself when you realise who shitty your handling yourself. prioritising ourselves first is something i really need to learn up. 

sitting down in a chair if u back pains and asking the teacher for that does not make you weak !!!!. thats a personal note to myself. it is fine and ok. just because you rest your ass or take the lift does not make u a slacker or someone who is disintrested. no matter how much i and others tell myself this my own self cannot accept it. and it is ok to sit down and rest when your doing stuff. you dont have to do all of that at once and plan to sit afterwards. thats just dumb. 

im typing all of that up there as a mental reminder to myself. moving forward in life your the only person out there who would take care of you. that has been the case almost halfwaythrough but yeah it gets only worse as we age. hence taking care of oneself and taking measures and backing off from stuff is ok. there is no need to feel fomo etc etc. id like it if you put yourself first sometimes. 

this past week mostly was mental exhaustion with my mind on more than thousand spaces at one time. its the inner judegemnt that is paining. when you have a good idea that your bunking on life and your inner self is torturing yourself for it. 

thats not nice and we decided not to do that. so just dont. 

it feels good to have clared all the self inflicited emotional baggage over here and i feel like i can finally breathe. 

it sound like ive been having a misreable life when you read this so ill type out some better stuff so that fututre me wont feel bad formyself when she reads it. 

i finally moved forward and decided to get involved in the drama club. im good with the ideas part but ive still to develop on communication. so rn it kinda looks like AJs doing all the work since shes doing all the talk. so i might need to correct up on that before i get sideracked. 

i bought some oranges for myself. 

i treated mysle fto a movie night but the movie ended up being a bit dark and horror. so that wasnt the best idea. 

i have found what i want to write next about so im working on that 

yeah thats pretty much it.