whatever this is

 

i was tying my hair and this though popped up on my mind. my hairstyle is a layercut. so its quite difficult to tie my hair into a braid before sleep and i absolutely despise hair coming into my face when im sleeping so i was struggling to bind all the flyaways together and i just realised that is quite similiar to how u struggle in juggling your daily life. 

with second year classes ending and having the final day of postings , i've learnt quite much. academically , the fact that you can only gain good clinical experience by having a good exposure. ik its quite hard to do all the examinations and to be honest throughout my 33 day medicine posting i only did it twice in two diff people two different systems. but i think this year was more about learning to introduce yourself and how to interact with the patients , what reactions to give , how to not look pissed off when they get carried away and how to stop frowning your face when they make snide remarks. by far this is probably the most amount of human interaction ive had this year apart from classmates. 

coming to theory prolly the fact that slacking off causes more harm than good. 

coming to friends , i dont have many anymore. in the first year i was closer to lakshmi , abhirami and keerthana but now that lakshmi and abhirami have drifted away into their own set of gangs that left me and keerthana. but then ever since i started dating most days i sit with manav. i only spend tim with keerthana during postings. so ig we've drifted apart too. sometimes i wonder , have i lost my friends ? but at the same time , are they even my friends ? im still close with abhirami but at times i feel like shes using me. im close with keerth too but we rarely get time to spend time together these days. i hardly speak to lakshmi and if there is something it mostly superficial. tbh manav is my best friend too. and perhaps the only one after keerthana. but im glad to have atleast a few good trustable people with me. 

i met amrita the other day and i qoute her " pala has made me forget how to live life , life has been stuck in that loop ever since then " i laughed it off at the time saying that was a witty remark but then on days when im filled with brain fog i think about this sentence and how it is true. they did hardwire us so badly it took a few years back into normalcy. but now even when things are so good i often understand the depth of the trauma it created only when im in the train with abhi and we r talking about life. sometimes i do wonder how life wouldve been if just this one thing changed and tbh i can see how it wouldve turned out too. 

i wanted to try out that patho quiz in cmc calicut but then im hesitating because literally most of the kids i studied with in aakash and pala and bhavans are their and ill be frank id feel embarased and inferior and id be afraid of interaction. 

my life took a super hard turn back then but then ive tried my hardest to bring life back , not to the early state but with the extra life lessons. 

whatever im just glad it turned out to be alright and that im healing. 

i just wanted to type im so glad my parents convinced me to take this college , no i dont love it , but at the same time i cannot imagine myself pursuing another course. i was very hesitant considering the hefty fees but im glad they gave me a chance. 

i ran out of stuff to write and deviated from my inital topic so im gonna stop. 

toofles !