personality crisis and PMS

Dear Ri,  

This is 12 yr old Lakshmi writing. ( I know I'm 21 not 12 but today I would like to write like a 12 yr old girl ) 

My exam just got over today , how was it ? I wrote whatever I knew , the 5 markers were shit. I thought I got all of it right for mcqs but turns out I lost 2 of them.

I wanted to take about how I've been feeling these days and I felt that my 12 yr old self would be better at conveying it than my 21 yr old self. 

I'm afraid. What am I afraid of ? 

I'm afraid if I am not myself. Makes no sense right? 

So my roommate returned after a long gap. I was having a really good time having a room to myself but then my tiny little ecosystem has been introduced to the other organism that lives there. 

She came and changed up the topography of the room which kinda irked me , because as u know I'm not a big fan of change. And also the fact that I just lost my privacy also kind off pissed me off. 

But let's get to the real part and face the demons shall we ? 

I have been feeling a bi low since thr crow incident but manav talked me out of it and I was good , then I got a magical air Lick on the back and fell down which kinda got me overthinking,  but manav told me it's fine and I believe him. And then this happened. Who changes the room architecture a day before the fucking university exams ?? Where is your mind lady ??? 

My parents have been unavailable and busy for a while so it's hard to update them about stufd. 

I'm still just gassing here instead kf getting to the point. 

I felt I was not me. And I saw her doing everything which is me , like I saw her mimicking my habits , using my method of arranging things on the table,  she even got religious and got herself some Murthis , she started showeing in the evenings and not in the middle of the night and genuinely study. 

Whereas I,  ended up showering at night that day , even though my Murthis were there I haven't lighten a diya in days , no incense. 

Infact she even lit an incense stick 

These r all such me things that I felt like oh god did I just switch places ?? 

Which kinda got me overthinking and spiraling and made me loose my peace of mind. I could not focus for the exams , it was only after a cry Sesh in the shower , a visit to the prayer hall for some moment of silence and a nights sleep that I found myself back. 

It's hard to admit it but yeah I got my inferiority complex and ended up losing trust in myself. 

But then I realised , cmon your you and she is a different person. I've been avoiding talking to people like I didn't speak to keerthana or her because my mind was clouded and I needed peace  even after coming back I was ignoring her then we happened to talk and then I realised. Yeah she ain't anywhere near in being me. You can perhaps inculcate the good habits but then at the end of the day u do nd up showing you in you. If that makes sense 

I don't knkw what I wrote rn. And tbh all I wanted yesterday was some luck so I thought this entry should be written by my teenage self. 

I'm gonna go read that blog post I wrote fkr days like these ans sleep off. 

Let the nanyeons of the world stay out of my vicinity , good night