perdante

                                                                                  

 it been a long time since ive updated the blog. and well it has been a particulary long day for me too. 

all the opd standings have made my back give out. i can barely stand. the power point presentation i stayed up all night to make ended up being scrutinised a lot infront everyone. it was fine if it was just us but there were 3rd , 4th years and that was pretty embarassing. not something your avergae introvert would want happeneing on a monday morning. not to mention the throbbing headache from sleeping late last night. 

and i couldnt sit in the demo room anymore because i felt embarassed so what did i choose instead ? stand in the opd. if my spine had a conscience i stg it wouldve taken over and probably acted as my other personality that shuts me up. opd is useless. trust me. all this experince they talk about is just bs. u think just stnading their staring at ur balding head is helping me advance in my medical career when u hardly talk , mention or even ask a question. we all have our own good amount of stuff to study , standing in an opd like the professors securiy guard is not in my list of priorities.

and all that standing got me sick in the back. i wonder , is this how its gonna be moving forward in life ? it makes me feel like im so weak. mentally feeling weak is there i mean its a given for anyone these days but physical weakness was definelty not something i expected in my life trajectory plan. 

i really just wanted to come lie down but i had that patho pracical to do which i fucked up very badly. it was not fun. 

we have our sessionals popping up this week and i have hardly read. nor do i have a routine. im suck in the same old never ending loop of working like a robot but at the same time not doing whatever is needed at the moment. its actually hard nowadays for me , ever since moving from dwaraka me and abhiramis studying patterns have got a big hit. intially we would go to each others rooms to finish of the topics. but then eventually even that stopped and now we just meet up very occassionally. ive reclused ito this bubble of mine where i simply exist. so yeah that isnt working out. abhirami used to plan the which topics to complete part and im the one who used to design the lesson plan but then now that there is not person to plan the topics i can hardly manage my non existence timetable. and its diffiuclt to suddenly change ur study methods randomly. so yes , its taking a toll on me. and i never got to speak about this to anyone. i call amma , she trauma dumps and cuts the call so yeah it has definetly been a difficult week for me. 

hey , but on the bright side , today is over - academically and since u start the week in a hella rollercoaster way it makes u prepared for the rest of the week which is good. 

plus the crying helps to release all the pent up emotions that ive been unknowningly or knowlingly stuffing in. 

well yeah i wanted to vent and i did. 

recently me and manav ended up fighting and he had a 4 paragraph long list of things that i was doing wrong. but yeah we did talk it out , but it got me thinking. am i the toxic one in the relationship ?

i dont know. im confused. nowadays i find myself thinking will saying this or doing this make me an entry in the journal. same thing for him too. reading what i write in the blog also ends up creating problems in the relationship. i guess some days are just like tha. its not gonna be flowers and gardens all day. alright i am going to sleep it off. 

i really hope i get my shit togethr for sessionals or im gonna have a really hard time.