Verbal Diarrhoea

 

                                                                           

Lakshmi g nair is sick and tied and honestly 5 seconds away from a total breakdown. only the utter silence in 9th floor is preventing me from doing so. today was a very very slow day. and so was yesterday and the day before but today was just frustrating. i thought with only 5 days to uni id get my shit together and start reading. 

i did read. but take the word in a literal sense. i am just passively reading through the material absent mindedly than studying it and tbh im scared to go back and check how much i rememeber of it because im quite sure i'll go full on kim soo hyun mode. 

I hate how i just fell sick and just random stupid stuff is happeneing but all together combined is leeching the energy off of me. i ate a fish pickle that LS's mom made. tbh ive never tried one in life. not a fan. also i have the fish allergy thing. but then she was being all excited and offered it and was looking at me with disney eyes expecting me to have a bite and talk of its wonders when in reality i was praying to god that the nausea cuz of the smell wasnt visible on my face. 

i took a bite and had some and told her it was nice and then silently covered the rest of it with rice when she looked away. i have told these people time and again i cannot have fish. not like i cannot cannot as in ill die. but having fish upsets my stomach. 

this wasnt always there it is one of the side effects of life in pala. after that whole super rash thing happened after my stomach went haywire ive learnt to not have it a lot. i thought id would go away eventually because it seemed more of a gut brain axid issue. but me and fish r yet to make good terms. so obv my stomach got upset. and then i came down with fever , guess i got it from that kid i sat beside on the train. still this was all fine 

but then next day i got my period and then there was awful cramps. im not used to having cramps but after college and probably my declining health i have finally understood this awful killing pain that neeraja used to describe. an entire day went off like that. 

then it was fine.just throat infection and an awful cough reminded me of that covid caught this one..and then today out if blue i decided to use the multani mitti pack i had lying around in my room only to realise it has expired after i washed my face to see a fresh pink rash making me look like a clown. then came the evergreen aloe vera gel to rescue. 

ive been eating like a pig like..i honestly dont know but all ive done for a few days is eat like ive gne mad. i finsihed off all my snacks. ive just been eating and eating. like id have breakfast and 20 mins later id be munching on something. im not even hungry. just want to chew. i feel like 70kg now. i dont know i suddenly looka t myself and feel like i got waay to chubbier or fat or i dont know what im even typing rn. 

also the sleep. in a constant state of fatigue i am. the 10 mins naps r a life saver tho. im actually starting to enjoy them. 

all of this could be just me being tired from the cold . and awfully stressed out because of the incoming exmas. i hate this side of myself where i turn into that anxious pink dog..was it courage the cowardly dog ? the one in cartoon network. or even piglet if i had to put a charecter to this. 

im really really feeling stressed. much more than im willing to admit. im usually chill when it comes to stuff. but i guess the whole overglorification of the exam has made me fear it. i hate it.it brings back how things were back in chavara. its same stupid ugly feeling. im really tired so im planning to sleep early today as today seems to be a very unproductive day. 

the fact that i keep coming back here to type out in pararaphs shows how much time and stress i seem to have accumulate this month. 

i wanted to comfort myself. now that i have outsed myself and just had a verbal diarrhoe , allow me to console 20 yr old lakshmi. 

its Fine. honeslty just stop take a deep breath , walk arounf for a while. exam time is a bit crazy and im more than well aware that its not the exams thats the problem but its just you comparing yourself with others. have to say tho my class 9th floor kids r studious. always on that table. dont they get bored ? it suffocated me to watch them because it reminds of chavara. i should stop mentioning that place to get it outta my mind. anyways stop comparing. 

youve learnt what you can given the time. you might not reaise it . you amy have not done your best today but we all know it isnt the worst also. always remember there was once a time when even this was hard. it took time to slowly get back to being yourself and not thinking about others and all that blah blah drama. so calm down. really. youve got this. 

gonna end this entry with that quote i shouldve listened to back in 11th grade when i heard it. 

when your running in a race the moment you turn back to see where you stand is precisely the moment when you fall and topple down and end up in the last. 

in short : stop comparing yourself with others , go with your flow and youll reach there the moment you start downgrading yourself. you lose it. we've learnt tht the hard way so how about we just go chill and take things our way.