h/o Emotion :

                                                                                      

i made some boost because i ran out of horlicks. i have to read up on todays lectures but then somhow i ended up spending my time in doing dumb stuff and it became 10 pm. another hour went by in instagram reels. 

i should take a social media detox - at this point i need it in life , the phone addiction is waay too much. 

it actually is quite peceful here at gokulam. although initially i described it in my blog as " the silence screams " , it has now found a rather peaceful tone as i find myself slowly being accustomed to the changes. these few months were technically all about adjusting with the changes and accepting the fact that not everything is gonna reamin the same. you meet people , sometimes they become your close friends and eventually you find yourself drifitng apart.

i met krishik the day i got here cuz she was my roomate. i remember being highly intimidated by her. over the few months i got close to her but then the room change fight happened and the fox finally revealed her true colours , then came months of hatred. absolute hatred where i did not feel lik even talking to her or even looking at her face. whats the status now ? i realised that i do not need to invest my time in hating her too. she is merely someone who does not deserve even hatred. hence she is now a stranger who i mingle with. 

its the same with a lot of people. tbh the people u  care about r the ones you love and the ones u hate. the rest are all just merely there. 

going through the blog and reading my entries often make me nostalgic. because the change is quite clear. ive become someone i merely recognise as myself from my past versions. very few of my old traits remain. i read over my old posts and feel like listening to an entirely different individual than myself. the way i use words , the way i expressed my frustration and my vocabulary has definetly dropped low like my shoulders. even while writing this now i feel like im writing a case history of my emotions rather than a blog post. i start with the onset of these feelings and then complain of its duration and then talk about how it has been processing , the aggravating factors that often get a good mention is my rainfall like hairfall and rough , tuff and buff acne. 

i did not call home for the past 3 days. i think i last called on monday evening and no one attended my call. my mom was talking to my sister who was at my grand so she declined the call. so i thought shed call back. i waited the nex day and the next and now its friday. i ended up calling her to ask about the train stuff. but in this entire week the fact that she did not think why i did not call is not something im new too , but i was pleasantly suprised when i saw manavs dad texting him every morning asking if hes awake , eaten , pooped etc. its intresting to observe how family runs in different houses. 

tbh if amma started texting me tha crazy i prolly wouldve hated it but a call once in 2 days would do. 

atleast with amma its a week. achan only calls when theres work to do or a claim form to submit. my sister never takes the initiative to call me and when i take time to do so lady is mostly busy with her college life. kinda makes me wonder at times do we all really care wha each of us are upto ? its kinda nice , i do enjoy the personal freedom but at the same time ive lost the lack of intrest in updating them at whats happeneing at my side. sometimes on days when no one picks up my calls i find myself calling manav instead. he picks up if hes free. 

the only consistent people are grans. every sunday once a week either they call me or i call them ,that is the one phone call i genuinely recieve. 

from my friends side neeraja follows a similair pattern to my mother and ive stopped calling months back. amrita is the one i update my life too. 

abhirami and i are close , but reently with the new gang forming..things are a bit weird for me. we have nothing to talk to each other about. even if we do talk its sharing each others day. hers is mostly intresting with going out , playing games , visiting cafes. mine merely consists of the title "attending classes" the occasional suprises in the day is just some drama that happened during posting or some gossip. 

do i feel alone ? no i actually dont. i have a few good indivisuals who even tough are busy will amke time for me if i say i need to speak with them. that is not my concern. though ive noitced a lot of kids in our class are now having this issue. the most funiest thing iis the most loudest people who are literally surrounded by umans worhsipping them are the ones who have these issues. if u ask me , no offence , it clearly seems to be a case of attenion seeking issues. 

what im actually worried about though is that am i getting too emotionally attached to manav ? i agree that he is my boyfriend and that it is natural to be attached to him. but these days ive been too obsessed. i find myself just sitting infront of the phone and wait till im getting a reply. or on days when he slept off early i ust wait till its 12 thirty and realise yeah he slept. yet my mind tells me he might wake up at around 1 am if i stay long enough. ive been trying to study up his sleep schedules so that i dont end up doing this shit. theres also the call thing , i call a minimum 2 times normally and if i want a reaply rn it boils down to 4. i thought that was pretty normal until he pointed out that it wasnt. i agree that i like him and things are good now but at the same time i find myself being too dependent on him sometimes which in my view is not something id allow myself to do. so i feel like i need to sort of come to my senses. 

yeah thats it. i ended up typing a lot of stuff that has been just swirling around my head like anything. i still have a lot of other stuff swirling around too. perhaps i should really start to meditate or something. or find some quite hour to myself.

and yeah thats it. end to another blog post. but honestly - what shitty writing is this even. have i really lost the whole writing talent or whatever it is. this doesnt seem magival anymore. this doesnt have any brainstroming. this is no less than taking a history of my emotions. 

what happened to whatever was there ? is it gone ?