Long Haul Heart

                                                                                       

madhuri went home today so it appears tonight is gossip free. the antibiotic got me having gas in my tummy and i walked for a while to get rid of it. after that comes in the late night hunger, so rn im having a banana and horlicks. 

i have been getting very riles up this entire week and it has been hitting my blood pressure like anything. 

and jaazil was the cherry on top for all of that with all his drama and blame shaming and all that yada yada that was indded quite a stressful 2 days. i just dont know if what i did was right..in hindsight to me it felt like i needed to set the boundaries but then even if it is jaazils manipulative words i cant deny the fact that i did feel bad too. i dont know if im in the right or wrong. c batch definetly consists of a bunch of cunning ass people is what ive understood this week after an interaction with madhumita and jaazil and all of them.

madhumita is a whie different level of psycho. theyre all very self centered people who do not quite understand the concept of team work. some people are soo into themselves and like i dont know how to describe it. those kids remind me of pala so i stay as far away as possible. 

the most saddest news of the week was the fact that arya and milind broke up. i just ant accept it and tbh i am silently rotting for them to get back together even though logically thats a bad idea is what others are saying. i feel sad. i remember seeing them holding hands and walking in their intial dating stage and one time where milind literally looked head over heels by arya. it scares me that people who were that close to each other broke things off in mere mintues and are now in a process of forgetting. its scary when i look at it. they had everything set to the point of their castes , hometowns and everything being same. i dont know where it started going wrong but it hurts to see them like that even though im not personally close with any of them. my ship sank. me sad. 

as for myself nowadays ive been getting pressurized by myself. what do you do when the person judging yourself is you ? how do u correct that. there are times when i feel like i am harsh. i dont know no matter how much i try i dont feel like im reaching anywhere theres always something lacking something wrong its like your almost there but you never get it and its a very frustrating thing. some things r soo easy for some people and when i find that it is much diffcult for me to grasp it. i feel incompetent. tb im not even bad but ok enough but i am comparing myself too too much bright people and end up feeling like this isnt enough , im not putting in enough and things like that. so at times my mind wanders over to that side. 

i really wanted to talk to manav yesterday about this whole ting and ask what i should be doing. but it seemed that he was having a hard day too so he slept early. i wanted to talk to him the next day i.e today and today half of my time was spent on playing fencing with jaazil. ughh. so we didnt get to talk much in class so i asked if we could go to shivam for some snack. he agreed and i had a good time just talking to him about stuff. in the classroom either im watching reels or hes playing games and when hes in the game zone hes so inside that land that he starts neglecting his surroundings and by the time he responds to my calls my ego doesnt allow me to join in on the conversation. so we dont talk much in class. if we meet in the library its still not talking. yes there is cute skinship but were not talking. so i was quite glad we went to shivam. but then earlier he typed that he shouldnt have stayed and that because of that he ended up getting drenched which was quite hurtful tbh. 

i always suggest shivam or vaishali because thats the only place where theres chairs and some privacy to sit and talk and since im used to the place i dont feel anxious enough to keep checking the phne for time or just have that anxiety ball stuck in my chest. instead i can talk freely and have a conversation with him. but often nowadays theres a hate trend going on for both the places and im not quite ok with standing and eating samosas because then its basically just eat and leave, no talk and if its an unfamiliar place my mind goes awry and he doesnt like that too. so sometimes i dont know what to do. 

oday is another one of those days where i am emotionally saturated and my only means of talking about it ends up as typing on the blog. communication is so hard. this was the lesson i learnt this week. 

tmr is the last day of dentistry posting im going to miss it very much. i got rather fond of my slow mornings.