nausea is all i am when vomit i aspire to be - trying to say that you always reach close enough but not just there yet , in an awfully disgusting way.

                                                                           

and the much awaited post exam post is here. it feels nice to not stare at an pdf ver of ramdas or tara and hurt my retinas. 

today was foresnic exam. since i dont really care much about the exam i dont have much to say about it too. im just glad exam season is over and that i can have peace now. but i dont like the fact that we're moving back to the 8 am schedule. ew. 

( manav , id like it i u stopped reading past this point )  

ok update , i felt lazy to write that day and did not continue but i am back when exams r officially over if we exclude surgery and obg. 

today was our pharmac practical exam and also gen med theory , gen med was fine enough , if i sat down to write it properly i wouldve fetched the needed marks but i didnt wanna stay long because i wanted to read up on pharmac. but then i had to go get lunch and ended up wasting a good hour of mine. i read for sometime and went for the test. the test was fine except for mahesh sirs viva which has me in a slightly not good mood today. i really wish i did not have to take that viva with keerthana today. by all means she is a good friend but a topper is not what you want for a double cross viva , especially if your someone with a inherent inferiorty complex waiting to strike you when morale is low. 

allow me to act like a child and complain. not even rant. just complain. i need this out of the system so i dont keep thinking about it like a cow chewing food. 

i hate smart asses. you know something - good. but answer when your asked a question. and for the love of god do your vivas alone and dont tag along to reduce other peoples marks !!!!!!

i highly regret not putting my brains to work in the matching process. then again i hate mahesh sir vivas cuz he kinda has a habit of making people feel small and add to that a smart ass individual and there you have it , your perfect formula to mess up lakshmi g nairs viva. 

do i give a crap about this ? no. i sincerely do not. but i hate it when the inner conscince appears , a tiny little bitch with graphs and papers internally reminding you of your holes , or rather put thesauratically incompetence. 

and the conscience came today , overanalying every word and sentence and internally asking me why i did not work hard for my exams ?. and i lay infront the tiny bitchy self of mine with no answers to refute to. i comforted myself saying theres been a lot of changes for me in the past few months all with the hostel change , roomate change and even the study method differences. but honestly both i and that conscience knows very well that such things did not really bring an impact as much as my carelessness and general fuck it attitude has. 

im just sad i couldnt answer whatever i knew and instead decided to give up and say i dont recall merely because i felt small. i dont torture myself when i havent learned stuff. but i do pity myself and look at her with a teeny amount of disgust if i realised she gave up. 

and that too because she felt small in the crowd. that is not a reasonable explanation to not answering in any exam. and i write it here to tell myself to not repeat it again - yeah that was the bitchy conscience speaking , but i agree with her on the matter. 

i was low key pissed off at keerthana cuz she asnwered one of my questions when i was about to say it but took some time. and i definetly did not enjoy her way of making things look better or the fact that lakshmi sudhir got an easier viva. yes i am jealous , its one of the human emotions. i cant always be sad and angry ! 

anyways , long story short that viva eas shitty because i realised what i lack and how hard the fucking subject is for me. at this point only refuting to pooja pat is going to help me with those subjects. 

our first year marklists have been printed. although i knew my marks from checking because amma kept asking me about it , it was the first time i saw them in print. the reduced marks in the internals where i fucked up an physio practical and a biochem theory definetly id marked with ink permanently. this is what makes me sad. a moments lainess or frustration is what ends up getting printed out on a report card. but i worked hard last year and i was proud of myself for whatever marks i got. and im glad this talk was over in the begining of the year and i dont have to do it again with amma. 

medical school is not fun when you realise the vast sea of things you have to embibe. its fine enough when you can manage your subjects but when that part gets difficult it makes a significant gap in your life too often affecting your mental stability. 

im glad exam seasons over because i rwached a whooping 67 kg because of the stress eating and ordering and hardly have 20 rs in my gpay account. i cannot ask for more as i withdrew quite enough amount that shouldve lasted me a month cooly but because i ate out soo frequently ended with me having nothing in my account. now are days of poverty. or perhaps i should start begging o get a 500 rs inside the acc. or else the bank people are gonna put a fine on me. 

alas i am sad. and i have complained anough for all the useless thoughts to exit my brain. 

now i will go have dinner