Getting lost with you...

 

                                                                      

I couldn't stop my tears as i wrote into my diary and squeezed my pillow to death...the dark corridors and rooms are a great benefit when you want to just cry and don't want anyone to see you doing so...though i wish for some soundproof facility...

Basically this is how one day in each month of mine went in my hostel..sometimes id miss home so much..or sometimes thing just werent going well..the only place to cry for me was either the unclean , clogged bathrooms or the dark square shaped double decker bed of mine..i was in the top ,,so nobody could see me .., and added advantage..

and for the umpteenth time i cry calling out to basically everyone i knew..

I'm surprised how my bestfriend lies just opposite me over there and i couldnt simply go and ask her to comfort me but i cry their in silence...sometimes you need to cry all that grief out i guess...and nightime seems especially the perfect time for it...

and for the umpteenth time i write the same words in my diary..

it would be an insult to call it a diary since i never wrote it on a daily basis and nothing much happy is written in it..id only open that book of mine to write out my sorrows and cries for help..it was never some summer sunshine stuff ..

and whever i cried ...whem im reallly saad i keep calling a name..accidentally..its nevr on pirpose..it just comes out automatically...its like my luckycharm is embedded onto me...even though i forget about it at times..it just comes to me automatically..

on other days id scold myself on believening in a childhood superstition of mine ...but on days like these those are the only things i hold onto...

........

" i tell you , i dont ever wanna meet andrew again...even if i do see him ill walk past as if i never knew him..ughh..i really dont want me to believe in this nonsense..but sometimes it just makes so much more sense than reality..."..i tell my besfriend..this is our annual talk or something..im prettu sure shes tired of me saying the same old thing like a broken down tape recorded ...but she always listens..

een though shes explained to me to leave it and not think about it more than hundred times...

I still am in point zero...

...

Classes went as usual...and the with the final bell I strech like a cat and take my books and stuff off to my study hall..which is basically 2 rooms beside my classroom ..

After dumping the books iver there I decide to wash up so I hop off to my room...which is right above my classroom...

Yea...basically I live in a building ..

So...I start my treasure hunt for my toiletries when I see a sticky note beside my wall ...

It says " don't worry only 2 days left !! " ...

I guess someone saw yesterday's downpour...

That's what mkst of us say to each other...don't worry there's only a few months then a few wekks then few days and then few hours...

Its something we say to eachother when we miss our parents...

For people Ive only met for like a year..I think they know me more than my classmates who've I've been with for 10 years...

And I have to say living with your bestfriend is different indeed...

We never really thought we'd be living in the same room our of oarental supervision...

But it's quite nice ...you know...

Plus..we have each other's back...so that's an added advantage...

Well..atleast we r swoon worthy enough for the rest of the school as I've observed 

..............

Its only a few hours till the last bell rings and my mind is already on the train to my home...the only thing stopping me would be ...nothing ...

Absolutely nothing...

Even if I have to make a pair of wings and fly...I'd do it...

Because to reach home is like getting atonement for me right now...

The teacher could sense the whole distraction...neither of the kids bothered to listen to him anymore as all of us were on our way home..and bang !!...we can see our homeroom teacher walking which is a signal that class is gonna end..

Needless to say I've already closed all my books and packed my bag..I can see the teacher stare at me but I simply don't care..

Not today anyway...

Once the class is dismiised everyone's in a hurry...theres a lot to pack and the decision on whether we shoukd take our books or both and all that blah blah ...

And within one hour we r dripping sweat but managed to pack our bags and are ready for the ride...

I was going with my bff...her dad would come to pick us and we'll be going together...

We stand infront of the school proch debating on what all we should do when we reach home ...

The sky was pink that day ...

...

We reached the railway station..but it felt like I was still at school since I could see basically all the kids I recognise in this station...

Which makes it a bit akward..

I check my ticket and found out I'm sitting in a different compartment ...

There's goes our plans of watching a film ....

Anyways...the excitement of reaching home swiftly took up the space leading to a delete on my current sadness..

Our train is at 9...

But we convinced uncle to pick us up by 5...

We didn't have the power to stand there one more min..especially when u see each one of the students leaving ...

We sit down and check the mysterious shining black box shaped smartphone which looked like diamond to us who use a regular nokia during our time at the hostel...

It feels a bit unfamiliar...I couldn't believe myself...how can I forget to use my smartphone ??..

My god !!..I guess I've been there for too long...

9 o clock comes fast...but by this time I'm dead tired..with all that asses and packing and stuff...

The only thing in my mind is to rest...peacefully...

Uncle and neeraja help me with my seat...because I'm hardly knowledgeable on trains...infact this is my 3rd time during the entire 16 years...so you can imagine how clueless I am..

Thank god I have help..or I'm pretty sure I'll end up on the other side if the earth...

Once I found my seat..

I felt a gush of relief flow through my veins as I realised that most are family and ladies besides...which means I can sleep without worrying about how I am sleeping...my position..all that nonsense which you have to check if there are men beside...and the phone calls from parents which never stop...

My seat is a window side one..I couldn't be more happier...

I seem as a child who was handed candy..

I give a quick smile towards the old couple sitting opp to my seat..

With nothing to do..and a primitive ohone beside me with hardly any range for even radio service..I open my diary..

Or shoukd u say dustbin of sorrows..??..

Anyways ..I open it and I could see last night words embedded on it..

" I never ever want to see you again...I don't want myself to believe in this supersition..and neither do I want myself to keep relying on you whom I hardly know...I don't want myself to be like this..so since your already gone..I'll make sure to never get anywhere near you for the rest of my life..." 

You can see the same dialogue on various pages in different ways in this book..

Now it must seem like I went through some break up..and I'm talking about my boyfriend..

No.definetly No.

You're wrong...

Thus lerson is someone I hardly know...but a face which I can't easily forget too...

You could say I did have a small crush...but I didn't feel like a bollywood movie type one..

But ..I'm talking about my luckycharm...

Most humans who believe in such kind of superstition keep imanimate objects as their luckycharms...but I having taken the oath to always walk on the other part have a living , entirely alive human being for a luckycharm...

and even though I don't knkw much ...my life since he has gone...started to become miserable..leading to me writing the same thing over and over again ...

Silly isn't it ??...not so much when your life is going left and the no matter what you see ..you feel it's all because you lost your luckycharm...

I tried replacing...but it doesn't work...it seems that the only luckycharm I'm getting is that brat ! ..whom I'll never see...which means either..I could be the unluckiest person existing on earth...or..it's my illusion...though I'm more preoccupied in believing the former...

Its about 11:45 and I'm tired of writing and staring into my diary , the window , my passengers and almost everyone has slept....

And we would only  reach Kozhikode at 4 am tmr..

I decided to sleep ...

Once I settled down to sleep and pulled up my covers and was snuggling to sleep...I forgot to put an alarm...I quickly stood up and bumped my head causing me to scream aa and my passengers to shoot laser beams at me ...

Ooppss..

I kept an alarm for 4 am..and hopefully neeraja would call me ..so I've got not much to worry...by tommorw I'll wake up in Kozhikode ...

....

I got bored after after a while and decided to listen to some songs instead...

Even though this age old artifact had no songs ...there was the radio...

Ohhhh..it's my favorite song

..

" Jab koi baath bigad jaaye 

Jab koi muskhil pad jaatee

Tum Dena saath meraa 

Oo hamnavazzz "....

This song is really special to me...it reminds me of my luckycharm...and the fact that as long as he's here ...I wouldn't need to worry...or atleast that's what this stupid mind if mind has been believing...

In short ..this songs makes me feel lucky...and I can almkst feel that smile spreading through my system.. 

And it was all really cozy that's when the signal went out and that shhshs sound came...I was so frustrated that I took the earphones off and just decided to count sheeps to sleep...